Sunday, June 15, 2014

Wives and Dads in no particular order OR Father's Day list

I wanted to start off by telling you that I've been a father for three years now, and can I just say that my wife is CRUSHING IT with the Father's Day Presents. Here are exhibits A, B, and C.
Next, I wanted to give a brief mention about my own dad. First, as a young child I idolized him. Then as an adolescent he became impossibly lame in my eyes. Now that I've experienced the horrors of parenting firsthand, he has now grown to mythic proportions in my mind and become a kind of superhero/saint to me. I guess that's the way it goes.

Here are some things that he does that I aspire to as well: 

1. He never panics, and he's always calm. I've never seen him say anything like, "Oh crap everything is super hard and terrible! What are we gonna do?," which is something I say almost daily since we had a child.
2. He can build or repair anything.
3. He has Popeye forearms and can beat anyone in arm wrestling. (Seriously. Lots of dudes have tried.)

4. He treats my mom well. Not "like a Queen" or any of that rubbish, just like an equal and his best friend.
5. He's humble: you'll never catch him bragging.
6. He has a good sense of humor and can laugh at himself.
7. He has bicycling prowess:

                   A. Riding a bike backwards.

                   B. Riding a "wheelie" all the way down the street.

And thanks to the Code of Manliness or whatever, I don't have to say any of this to him. It's a good system.

Happy Father's Day everyone!

Monday, June 2, 2014

He's the boss and is not going to take any of your parental crap

Junior is all potty trained now, and oddly enough he likes to go in public places. He also likes to tell everyone in the bathroom about his accomplishments.

He likes to go if he gets bored or wants to get out of doing something. He knows we will instantly drop everything and spring into action when he says, "I pooping." Consequently we have to discern between real bathroom requests and fake ones, which is a dangerous game. A false positive means I run the bathroom and for no reason, but a false negative means that I will be cleaning out some toddler underwear.

We were at a restaurant the other night and he asked to go. Things were going pretty well and then disaster struck.

He had finished going and I washed both of our hands and handed him some paper towels. I turned around to grab some paper towels for myself and when I turned back I saw that my son was headed directly for a urinal. "Don't touch it!" I yelled, which was pointless because an almost-three-year old will do stuff you ask him not to do just to show you that he's the boss and is not going to take any of your parental crap.

Here I shall pause to give you an example: If we pull something out of the oven and say, "Don't touch it, it's hot," my son will inevitably say, "No, it's cold," and then make every effort to touch whatever it is that will burn the crap out of him. This is the type of child I'm dealing with.

So before I could stop him he plunged both hands into the urinal I yelled "NOOOOOOOOO!" which startled him, and he pulled his hands out. Then - for no discernable reason - he touched his dripping hands to his face. It all happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

If someone had come into the bathroom at that moment they would have seen a man frantically trying to give a toddler a HAZMAT shower in a small sink, the top half of the toddler covered in a frothy layer of foamy antibacterial soap and hand sanitizer with the toddler howling bloody murder.

So please welcome the newest member of our family: Hepatitis.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Shane and I go to see the Matches

Midterms are coming up and my classmates were talking about pounding energy drinks to stay awake while typing up large papers. I told them that I try to steer clear of such things because I had a bad experience.

In my senior year of college my roommate Shane and I left our small college town and set out on a road trip to see The Matches play in Boise, Idaho. On our way out of town we stopped by the grocery store to grab some snacks. We also bought a whole bunch of energy drinks on clearance. This is where it all went wrong, of course. Name brand energy drinks are sketchy at best, so a generic energy drink on clearance was clearly a bad idea. But we were in a hurry, and money was always tight in college.

We drove the four and a half hours to Boise without incident. The show was awesome and it was pretty late when we left the venue. We stopped by a food truck and got some tacos and then jumped in the car. Our room temperature energy drinks were waiting for us and we pounded them down on the way out of town.

About 30 minutes later, my face started to tingle and then go numb. I couldn't feel my cheeks, nose or forehead, and my lips were starting to go numb as well. I cautiously looked over at my friend and saw that his eyes were very wide.

Me: "Is you face going numb?"

Shane: "Yes! What's going on?"

Me: "Are we having strokes?"

Shane: "Both of us at the same time? In our early 20s? I wouldn't think so."

Me: "Did we get food poisoning from those tacos?"

Shane: "Don't be racist. I think it might've been the energy drinks."

We drove on, debating what we should do. Pull over and ask for help? It was 4 a.m. in rural Idaho, and those folks love their guns, so even if we did get someone to come to the door without blowing us away, what would we ask them? "Can we come in and lie down and sleep off some bad energy drinks?" Maybe there was a doctor's office or hospital we could stop at? Oh yeah, rural Idaho. By this time, our lips had gone fully numb, so we couldn't talk anymore so we just drove the rest of the way in terrified silence thinking every mile would be our last.

We eventually got back to our apartment and slept it off with no lasting effects, but the whole experience was scary, man.

And that is why I haven't touched an energy drink since.