Cookie monster is my alter ego

I ran into a friend at the store the other day and he was like, “I haven’t seen you in ages! Did you fall off the face of the earth?” I explained to my friend that I hadn’t but I had been blessed with a new baby, which is about the same as falling off the face of the earth in terms of how much social interaction you have.

My curious friend wanted to know what I’ve been up to besides baby wrangling and the following is what I told him. I apologize in advance because it all feels a bit rant-y. Maybe I should start one of those YouTube rant vlogs, where I just look into the camera and say stuff like, “You know what I hate? Leprechauns.”

First, I lost a tube of Chapstick and I'm afraid of where it will show up, most of all that it will find its way into the dryer with my clothes. When I was younger we would wash all the kids’ clothes together. I have a lot of brothers and sisters so when the laundry was done, we’d inevitably find that someone had left Chapstick, pens or gum in their pockets. We'd all accuse each other with no way of telling who the real culprit was but ultimately we spent a good portion of our childhoods walking around looking like squid attack victims, the undersides of school lunchroom tables and wax statue death scenes.

In other news, I took the GRE last week. This means that I spent all last month studying which means I have a bunch of overly large vocabulary words in my head. This also means I accidentally use them in casual conversation unnecessarily and end up sounding like a pretentious jerk. Or should I say a magniloquent fustian profligate.

Also, we moved into a new apartment and I have high hopes for our new place. I think we’ve moved up in the world because our neighbors have doormats, and everyone knows that doormats are a sign of civility and sophistication. Nobody had doormats at our old complex because they always got stolen. The downside to the new place is that all of the lights on our landing are burned out and maintenance is taking their sweet time to put in new ones. It’s pitch black when I get home at night and a whole gang of thieves could hide out there and I wouldn’t even know it. They could jump out and steal both dollars that are in my wallet and I couldn’t do a thing about it.

And finally, does anyone know what has happened to all the Double Stuf Oreos? I went to the store and when they didn’t have any I about choked a guy. I was livid. I’ve checked a couple of places now and I haven’t seen them. I’ve only seen Football shaped Oreos and orange-y Halloween Oreos and I have use for neither. Have Double Stufs been discontinued? They better not have been, or Nabisco is going have a bunch of angry fatties like myself storming their corporate headquarters demanding their second Stuf. I’ve already made my picket sign.

It says: “One Stuf is not Enuf.”

For reals: Is anyone else having problems finding Double Stuf Oreos? Leave a comment if you please.